Day 335: Lead a crusade against panty thieves

August 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

Today Stephanie had her underwear stolen.

Her red eye landed at O’Hare at 5am. Barely awake, I drove us both home before stumbling off to school on the L, and Steph fell back asleep for another six hours. Only when she awoke did we realize her suitcase had been raided. Did they take the expensive new clothes she had bought from the Nike store? Her watch? Her earrings? Nope, just all of her underwear.

Every last pair. Apparently between being loaded on – and unloaded off – the plane, they had either jumped ship somewhere over rural Wyoming, or, more likely, were snatched up by some pervert airline worker. I’m not going to give that guy the satisfaction of imagining what happened to those panties, and neither are you. But do know that I led a campaign agains the airline, to the tune of a $50 flight voucher. Poor retribution for such a gross crime, but it was the best that we could do. Now the future security of millions of suitcase-buried panties lies in the hands of Portland International Airport TSA agent.

You might just be better off  layering them for the plane ride.



Stephanie on the phone with a PDX police officer this morning.

Officer: “Is there anything specific that may identify the missing items as yours?”

Steph: “What do you mean…?”

Officer “Well, you know, some people write their name in their underwear or whatever.”

Steph: “Hahahahaha”

Officer “I’m sorry, that was stupid, I do that with my kids underwear, you know, for the laundry, I’m sure you don’t do that, I’m sorry, ah, that was stupid.”


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