Day 239: Watch the Royal Wedding

April 30, 2011 § Leave a comment

Just kidding.

I absolutely refused to waste my time with that BS. Here we are, in the midst of three wars, and half our country is waking up at 3am to watch some defunct figureheads honor the same old stuffy pomp and circumstance.

It’s 2011 – we’re in the new millennium now. Where were the Black Eyed Peas? The smoke machines? The strobe lights and nip slips?

It was all pretty royally disappointing if you ask me.

And although I slept through the ceremony, I did pause for a second while flipping channels to watch Access Hollywood’s world-class journalist Billy Banks interpret Kate Middleton’s body language with the UK’s premier expert.

Oh, by the way, did you hear the wedding planner’s task list was leaked? I’ve included some of the more interesting items.

To Do:

  • Confirm body-builder to tighten Camilla’s corset
  • Hire mice and/or birds to weave Kate Middleton’s dress if and when she breaks into song
  • Paint white flower arrangements eggshell so they don’t clash with the wedding dress
  • Sharpen guillotine for the pre-ceremony beheading
  • Enlist royal barbers to thin the hair of all guests, both men and women, to make Prince William less self-conscious
  • Assign sniper with a tranquilizer gun to banquet hall in case Prince Harry’s best man speech goes awry
  • Steal a hat from a midget flight attendant for Victoria Beckham
  • Reinforce Sir Elton John’s seat, as he’s still carrying baby weight
  • Jump off of London Bridge, as I will never organize something else so beautiful in my entire life
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