Day 206: Man up

March 28, 2011 § 2 Comments

As I prepare to embark on the second half of grad school tomorrow, I came to the realization that I will be entering the working world in a little more than six months. No more horsing around – this means some serious growing up needs to take place. Therefore, I have established the following five-point plan to shed my boyish exterior and fully embrace masculinity.

  1. I will no longer use exclamation points. Exclamation points represent an excess accumulation of emotion that is inappropriate for a man to exude. They are thus expelled from my punctuation repertoire.
  2. I will no longer use straws. Straws require an awkward puckering face to be made as the mouth surrounds the straw, which can make a man look silly. To look silly is to look weak. From now on I’ll drink straight from the glass.
  3. I will close the bathroom door. A mature individual would not leave the door open when using the bathroom. An even more mature individual would not use the bathroom while his girlfriend is brushing her teeth a few feet away.
  4. I will eat less yogurt. Yogurt is by no means a staple part of my diet, but the fact that I eat it even occasionally detracts from my manliness. Jamie Lee Curtis and the woman in bathrobes from the Yoplait commercials have made it clear that yogurt is Kryptonite to manhood, even if it is coffee or Boston Cream Pie flavored.
  5. I will not wear the same pair of underwear and/or socks more than once between washes. This poor habit is gross and self-explanatory. I blame it on the effort and money it takes to do laundry, but really there is no excuse.

These lifestyle changes are likely to boost my testosterone levels about 150 percent.

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